This is a little story about …No, I can’t write his real name.  This guy, in my opinion, is such a jerk that he’ll probably trip over this page by accident and he’ll sue my ass.  But I love his name.  It’s a jerks name, in my opinion and… Arrgggghh I gotta use it.  Sorry to all you Howie’s out there.

So I know this other fella who owns a restaurant.  This man is a real money maker.  He spends his days thinking about money and schmoozing amongst the tables in his restaurant telling stories, making jokes and shaking hands.  He knows what he’s doing and he makes people feel good about spending their money in his establishment.  Anyway,  he’s talking with a regular lunch client one afternoon and he asks this guy what he does.  The guy, it’s Howie, replies that he’s a mediator and negotiator and he does a little coaching on the side.  Howie goes on that he is planning to hold a couple of free seminars in order to attract new clients but that he needs some help organizing these events because he’s swamped with work. 

Bingo!  My restaurant friend sees a connection.  He tells Howie that I (yes, me)  that I am studying coaching and, in short,  I am the right guy for the job.  He sells me.  When I get the news I am thrilled.  I don’t know this Howie  but I think that there may be an opportunity here. 

Long story short.  I’m in Howie’s office two days later introducing myself and discussing the project.  At the end of our 1 1/2 hour meeting we agree to meet in a few days to hammer something out.  He asks me if I’d like to meet at the restaurant down on the corner for this meeting.  I agree.

A few days pass.  But in the meantime I hear through the grapevine that Howie has made inquiries about me.  He gets good recommendations.  I too hear a few things about Howie.  Not real good stuff but I wait before I pass judgement.  I just hear that he is the type of guy that likes to get something for nothing.  

The day arrives. It’s noon.  I arrive at the restaurant first and sit at an outdoor table with a little warm sun shining on it.  It’s perfect and I’m primed and I order a half pint of beer.  One sip in and Howie arrives.  Shake hands. He sits down.  He orders a beer too.  Small talk, order lunch, let’s get down to business.  I begin by telling him that I like the project and I present a few ideas for his free seminars to start the show and to demonstrate that I’m on the ball.  Yada Yada

 Then we move on to discuss compensation.  At our initial meeting we had touched on this subject.  Seemed he wanted to barter with his lakeside summer house  where I might spend a week or two at no charge.  He  also wanted to assure me that he was a good contact  as I was just starting out in the coaching field and I might benefit from knowing a big shot like him.  In addition,  I might learn about mediation as well.  Let me make this short and sweet.  No dice on the summer house,  I thought to myself.  Not risking my summer vacation should he change his mind or God knows what.  Anyway, I already had a lead on a summer cottage and I was going to make an offer in a couple of days.  Him as a contact?  Possibly a good thing.  Learning mediation as a sideline sounded good but when I asked him how he proposed to teach me he replied that it would “rub off ” on me as we worked together.  That is real iffy, if you know what I mean.  And he had also mentioned future paying projects for me if this present project were a success.  That’s vague.

“James, what do you want?”, he asks.

I know he doesn’t want to pay anything in cash.  So I am left to consider what’s left on the table.  A contact in the business could be useful now and in the future.  Learning mediation was not probable.  Future paying gigs was not something I could control or count on.  So there really wasn’t anything on the table.  So why did I sit there and agree to work on the project for….nothing?  Did I need a challenge?  Was I wishful thinking?  Did I want to prove something?  Maybe all the above.  Maybe I needed a challenge and was ready to throw the dice and hope that this guy was as good as his word. 

Now follow closely here.  So basically I’ve agreed to work for nothing.  I’ve now spent 3 hours in meetings with this guy and 2 hours working on this project on my own.  That’s 5 hours total.  So lunch is over and I have stuff to do and I can’t wait to get away from the table and out into the sun and to my next meeting.  Yet somewhere inside me I have the uneasy, dirty feeling that I have been dining with a snake.  That’s just my opinion.  I curse the waitress under my breath and give her evil looks because HURRY THE FUCK UP WITH MY BILL, PLEASE!!!!  Something isn’t clicking here and and  subconsciously my brain is kicking the shit out of itself.  The waitress arrives and asks if it will be together or separate bills.  Howie clicks in that it will be separate bills.   Separate bills.  Separate bills.  Hmmm. 

Do you know where I’m going here?  Right.  I just fucked myself. 

The reason I needed to get away from this guy and the table was because I sold myself short in a major way and that kinky feeling that I felt in my guts and my brain was shame and disgust.  I’m new to the playing field.  This guy saw that,  I think .  I’m also a shitty negotiator.  I just had my first lesson. 

Too late now to renegotiate but I wrote him  a curt but polite e-mail a couple days later to decline working with him.  Not true exactly.  I expressed in the e-mail my fee if he wanted to continue on with this project.  Yes, too late.   But it felt good to opt out because I knew he wouldn’t consider paying.  He did not have the courtesy to reply and thank me for my interest or for the time I had already spent with him.   Go figure.  This guy is a real class act, in my opinion.

The point?  The reason I share this embarrassing incident?  Negotiating skills are honed.  They don’t come naturally.  So we have to practice and learn them.  Don’t sell yourself short like I did.  Sure, the guy may have made a good contact and this was what drew me to the project, initially.  But his gesture (not paying my $15 lunch bill) was a slap in the face.  It clearly demonstrated the type of guy he is, in my opinion, and confirmed what I had already learned about him: everyone was telling me that he was a freeloader.  What was I too gain by partnering with him?  The only thing I learned was a lesson.  And a good one.  Look, you have to have the confidence to put a value on yourself and what you have to offer.  Set it high and then negotiate if you want to.  But never let someone determine your worth.   

Am I still feeling a little pissed off?  No…well… just a little.  But not at him.  If figure that if I jump into a pool with a shark and get bit am I going to get angry at the shark? (No reference to Howie here.)  No, I’m not pissed at the shark.  It’s the nature of the shark.   Rather,  I was mad and ashamed of myself for screwing up.  I went in under-valuing what I had to offer.  I went in without a plan…without thinking.  I went in without my confidence.  And I went in thinking that this guy was probably better than me because he was established, older, more experienced, etc.

I got clobbered. 

In our course material at ICA we have a lot of information on the subject.  You can read and learn about confidence building skills and about setting fees and about negotiating.  But nothing beats the real thing.  Listen, if you take one on the chin don’t feel bad.  Just remember to get back up and try again.  You will get better with practice.  And remember too that you’re not alone.