On Changing Perspectives

 I have been working for months on a big personal project. Me.

I began by looking at a situation that was perturbing me a lot. Bothering me to the point where I couldn’t eat or sleep nor think straight. I felt at times like I was on the border of that place where my sanity meets chaos and total irrationality. I would walk around in circles talking to myself…out loud. I needed to hear my own voice. To comfort me. To keep track of my thoughts. I came up with theories, truths, lies, solutions. To no end.

I wanted to change my perspective because I knew that I could no longer tolerate myself nor the situation. I finally came to the conclusion that, ‘It was about me’. In other words, I decided that the only way to resolve this problem was to have a look at myself. It meant that I would have to ask myself straightforward questions and, more importantly, reply to the questions honestly.

My ego was a cunning adversary. It would not let me admit to my weaknesses and my guilt and my fears. Instead it justified my actions and it would seek to blame others. It always shifted the focus away from me.

When at last I overcame my ego and my pride, to a degree,  I began to see myself in a different way. It was a relief. I felt that a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. The anger began to melt away. The hate and the rage and the resentment cleared off as the warm light began to filter its way in.

This is about understanding. This is about forgiveness. This is about taking responsibility for myself, my perceptions, my words and my actions, my choices. I had been letting someone I care about lead me. I let them manipulate me and use me. I knew that this person who was using me cared for me and loved me. I knew that they needed to use me. I knew it all. Yet I kept myself right in close to this person. Sucking it all up.  I was getting angrier and more frustrated and more and more bitter as the time passed. I felt out of control. Where was the eject button?

Perspective is how we look at things. My intention at the very beginning was to try to change my view of things. I was in a situation that felt bad to me. I stepped back to take it all in. I saw a lot of things I didn’t like. I made a list of these things. I got angry about it. I resolved to back away and take a distance from it. My resolve always failed. I felt like I was on a treadmill. I was moving but I was making no progress. In short: I recognized the problem. I knew the facts. I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn’t change the facts nor could I change the situation. One solution would be to bail out. I didn’t want to do that. I instead turned the focus on myself. I asked myself why had I made the choice to stay in a situation that drained me and depressed me and that hurt me.  It took a lot of effort and time to get the truth from myself but I did. And it’s still a work in progress.

I’m taking the long way to make a point about perspectives. But here it is: In coaching we often talk about perspectives and about re-framing. Re-framing is changing the way we look at a situation. A really basic example of re-framing is that I have a really boring job that requires that I work alone and that I work nights. The job kills me with boredom. Re-framing it I saw that my job was a great place for me to study. I never had interruptions and I had plenty of peace and quiet to concentrate. So I found a positive where before I saw a negative.

In changing perspective and re-framing the relationship that was causing me so much frustration I first had to choose a place from where to take a perspective. I began by looking at my friend first. By looking at the problem as I perceived it. This was easy enough to do. Yet by choosing this perspective I could come to no positive resolution. I thought that my friend was the problem and that was that. I thought that the only solution was to say, Adios amigo!  Thing was, I wasn’t ready to do this. So I decided that I couldn’t bail on my friend but I couldn’t go on the way things were going. Hence, I had to look at myself and question why I was sticking around. I made some discoveries about myself that were not always flattering. I discovered too that I had a lot in common with my friend. I discovered as well that we were on very similar paths. That we were both at a turning point in our lives.

Anyway. To wrap up. When we are helping a client to have a look at their perspective of a situation or an event we ought to help them determine where they are standing and from where they are looking when they take their perspective. Had I stood and focused my attention on my friend only without looking around and focusing too on myself I am afraid that I would have missed the opportunity to learn a few things about myself and I would have lost a friend. On re-framing the relationship I realized how important it has been in helping me have a better understanding of who I am. I am a better person because of our friendship. And I have had some really good times too.

 

You probably can’t afford me.

This is a little story about …No, I can’t write his real name.  This guy, in my opinion, is such a jerk that he’ll probably trip over this page by accident and he’ll sue my ass.  But I love his name.  It’s a jerks name, in my opinion and… Arrgggghh I gotta use it.  Sorry to all you Howie’s out there.

So I know this other fella who owns a restaurant.  This man is a real money maker.  He spends his days thinking about money and schmoozing amongst the tables in his restaurant telling stories, making jokes and shaking hands.  He knows what he’s doing and he makes people feel good about spending their money in his establishment.  Anyway,  he’s talking with a regular lunch client one afternoon and he asks this guy what he does.  The guy, it’s Howie, replies that he’s a mediator and negotiator and he does a little coaching on the side.  Howie goes on that he is planning to hold a couple of free seminars in order to attract new clients but that he needs some help organizing these events because he’s swamped with work. 

Bingo!  My restaurant friend sees a connection.  He tells Howie that I (yes, me)  that I am studying coaching and, in short,  I am the right guy for the job.  He sells me.  When I get the news I am thrilled.  I don’t know this Howie  but I think that there may be an opportunity here. 

Long story short.  I’m in Howie’s office two days later introducing myself and discussing the project.  At the end of our 1 1/2 hour meeting we agree to meet in a few days to hammer something out.  He asks me if I’d like to meet at the restaurant down on the corner for this meeting.  I agree.

A few days pass.  But in the meantime I hear through the grapevine that Howie has made inquiries about me.  He gets good recommendations.  I too hear a few things about Howie.  Not real good stuff but I wait before I pass judgement.  I just hear that he is the type of guy that likes to get something for nothing.  

The day arrives. It’s noon.  I arrive at the restaurant first and sit at an outdoor table with a little warm sun shining on it.  It’s perfect and I’m primed and I order a half pint of beer.  One sip in and Howie arrives.  Shake hands. He sits down.  He orders a beer too.  Small talk, order lunch, let’s get down to business.  I begin by telling him that I like the project and I present a few ideas for his free seminars to start the show and to demonstrate that I’m on the ball.  Yada Yada

 Then we move on to discuss compensation.  At our initial meeting we had touched on this subject.  Seemed he wanted to barter with his lakeside summer house  where I might spend a week or two at no charge.  He  also wanted to assure me that he was a good contact  as I was just starting out in the coaching field and I might benefit from knowing a big shot like him.  In addition,  I might learn about mediation as well.  Let me make this short and sweet.  No dice on the summer house,  I thought to myself.  Not risking my summer vacation should he change his mind or God knows what.  Anyway, I already had a lead on a summer cottage and I was going to make an offer in a couple of days.  Him as a contact?  Possibly a good thing.  Learning mediation as a sideline sounded good but when I asked him how he proposed to teach me he replied that it would “rub off ” on me as we worked together.  That is real iffy, if you know what I mean.  And he had also mentioned future paying projects for me if this present project were a success.  That’s vague.

“James, what do you want?”, he asks.

I know he doesn’t want to pay anything in cash.  So I am left to consider what’s left on the table.  A contact in the business could be useful now and in the future.  Learning mediation was not probable.  Future paying gigs was not something I could control or count on.  So there really wasn’t anything on the table.  So why did I sit there and agree to work on the project for….nothing?  Did I need a challenge?  Was I wishful thinking?  Did I want to prove something?  Maybe all the above.  Maybe I needed a challenge and was ready to throw the dice and hope that this guy was as good as his word. 

Now follow closely here.  So basically I’ve agreed to work for nothing.  I’ve now spent 3 hours in meetings with this guy and 2 hours working on this project on my own.  That’s 5 hours total.  So lunch is over and I have stuff to do and I can’t wait to get away from the table and out into the sun and to my next meeting.  Yet somewhere inside me I have the uneasy, dirty feeling that I have been dining with a snake.  That’s just my opinion.  I curse the waitress under my breath and give her evil looks because HURRY THE FUCK UP WITH MY BILL, PLEASE!!!!  Something isn’t clicking here and and  subconsciously my brain is kicking the shit out of itself.  The waitress arrives and asks if it will be together or separate bills.  Howie clicks in that it will be separate bills.   Separate bills.  Separate bills.  Hmmm. 

Do you know where I’m going here?  Right.  I just fucked myself. 

The reason I needed to get away from this guy and the table was because I sold myself short in a major way and that kinky feeling that I felt in my guts and my brain was shame and disgust.  I’m new to the playing field.  This guy saw that,  I think .  I’m also a shitty negotiator.  I just had my first lesson. 

Too late now to renegotiate but I wrote him  a curt but polite e-mail a couple days later to decline working with him.  Not true exactly.  I expressed in the e-mail my fee if he wanted to continue on with this project.  Yes, too late.   But it felt good to opt out because I knew he wouldn’t consider paying.  He did not have the courtesy to reply and thank me for my interest or for the time I had already spent with him.   Go figure.  This guy is a real class act, in my opinion.

The point?  The reason I share this embarrassing incident?  Negotiating skills are honed.  They don’t come naturally.  So we have to practice and learn them.  Don’t sell yourself short like I did.  Sure, the guy may have made a good contact and this was what drew me to the project, initially.  But his gesture (not paying my $15 lunch bill) was a slap in the face.  It clearly demonstrated the type of guy he is, in my opinion, and confirmed what I had already learned about him: everyone was telling me that he was a freeloader.  What was I too gain by partnering with him?  The only thing I learned was a lesson.  And a good one.  Look, you have to have the confidence to put a value on yourself and what you have to offer.  Set it high and then negotiate if you want to.  But never let someone determine your worth.   

Am I still feeling a little pissed off?  No…well… just a little.  But not at him.  If figure that if I jump into a pool with a shark and get bit am I going to get angry at the shark? (No reference to Howie here.)  No, I’m not pissed at the shark.  It’s the nature of the shark.   Rather,  I was mad and ashamed of myself for screwing up.  I went in under-valuing what I had to offer.  I went in without a plan…without thinking.  I went in without my confidence.  And I went in thinking that this guy was probably better than me because he was established, older, more experienced, etc.

I got clobbered. 

In our course material at ICA we have a lot of information on the subject.  You can read and learn about confidence building skills and about setting fees and about negotiating.  But nothing beats the real thing.  Listen, if you take one on the chin don’t feel bad.  Just remember to get back up and try again.  You will get better with practice.  And remember too that you’re not alone.

 

Talking back…to a client.

From time to time I feel the need to confide.  So I find someone that I feel that I can trust to keep their mouth shut and who may have enough life experience to listen to and respond to my questions…or someone that will just remain silent and who will listen.  Often we are not really looking for feedback but for someone who will agree with us.  Someone who will just listen and who will not judge us.  In other words…a sounding board.  How often are we faced with a difficult situation at work or at home and are unsure how to proceed?  Or, too late, we have already reacted/replied/made a decision and now are unsure if we have done or said the right thing? 

It is vital to have someone that we can turn to when we need to talk.  It keeps us connected.  And often there is no right or wrong answer.  Every situation that we face is as unique as we are too unique as individuals.  By talking to others we relieve ourselves of what may feel like a burden.  At the same time, we may learn something by receiving a shared experience from the person we are talking with.  Maybe we’ll discover that yes…we are normal.    

I am an emotional person.  I’ll admit that I can sometimes fly off the handle.  This usually takes some provocation but it does happen.  And then the guilt falls like a hammer.  So even though I often know the right thing to do I will sometimes let my decisions be influenced by my emotions.  Not a good thing all the time.

So how does feedback work for me?  It works for me when I have the full attention and interest of the listener.  It works for me when I know that the person I am speaking with cares enough to be honest with me.  If I am wrong I want to know it.  I don’t want to be coddled.  Damn, I’m trying to move forward here.  Please, tell me something I don’t know…enlighten me…even if it hurts. 

Most likely the most important feedback that I have ever had is feedback that has resulted in my being humbled.  It sucks…it stings.  Better to take a hit and grow than to live in ignorance.

In a coaching situation feedback provides the client the opportunity to have someone really listen to them in a safe, discreet, and non-judgemental environment.    The coach is going to support, question, listen, encourage, offer suggestions.  The client should leave the session feeling less stressed, empowered, energized, confident, ready to take action, connected.

 

Perspective is a State of Mind

A few more words on the subject of “Perspectives” and how a coach may interact with a client to help them shift their focus (some questions).  And how a resulting change of perspective may help client.

Questions:

1. What are you getting out of this right now?  In other words, what has been the result(s) of your current or past course of action or lack of initiative?

2. Are you satisfied/happy with the results?

3. If the answer is no, what do you think would be a good course of action to take right now?

4. Do you think you can do this?

5. Give me some examples (past experiences) when you were in a similar situation and how did you successfully deal with the situation at that time? (if applicable).

 

Personally, I had to change my point of view because I could no longer tolerate my state of mind.

 

 

Some benefits to changing ones perspective:

1. We can turn Negatives into Positives

2. We can gain a better understanding of ourselves which in turn will help us to better understand and be more tolerant of others.

3. Changing our point of view or, being able to look at things in a “new light”,  will open us up to think of more options/choices that are available to us.

4. Changing our perspective can help relieve stress, and furthermore, it can give us a real sense of empowerment and a sense of control over our lives.

 

It is my opinion there are three essential ingredients to living a more empowered life. 

One: Trust in Yourself and learn to trust others.

Two: Have Respect for Yourself and of others.

Three: Be Truthful with Yourself and to others as well.

Four: Take Action

 

Just relax…this is going to feel good.

A short introduction….

I am really happy to be here and to be part of this remarkable on-line community of people who have something to share.

What am I doing here?  In short….I’m going to take those who are interested in coaching (Life) on a journey with me as I complete my studies toward obtaining my degree as a Certified Professional Coach.  Over the next year as I complete my studies I will be at the same time building a coaching practice. 

If any of my reader’s have a similar vision/interest then come along for the ride as I gather knowledge on how to help others accelerate their potential.  At the same time I expect that I will be going through a kind of personal evolution myself as my life is one in transition and change.

Boarding Pass not required…just take my hand.